I almost do not know what I suppose to write now seems my heart is feeling guilty too much about myself. Am I betraying myself? or am I blame myself? I believe the conflict of me is uncertain and pretended. Or in which way I supposed to do right now and which I believe it would be difficult task for me.
Earlier this year, I lost something in my life. Something that I knew it would be difficult for me to claim it back in the future. Something that hard for me. I do not know where is the feeling come from the time that I took dinner today. Suddenly, I am thinking of my late father. Passed away about 12 years ago. Through his time, I feeling strongly about this man have something kind of lost in his life in which part I do not know what it is. Back those years, that is how he being found and known as a drunken man. So, suddenly this thought come to me this evening. Still a question come to me. "What is it?". What is it make him act like that until he fail do the job as a leader and father. What was it?
Well, that's enough for that part. Break through for me, I took up the sermon that preach by Pastor Jeffery Chong. "Jehovah Jireh: I am the one who provide." Kind of funny. Looks like the first time that I picked up listening to the sermon again since I left it long time ago. Looks like away from the ministry and God, it would be difficult for me to accept those that I ever heard. Maybe after working, my heart is already reluctant to Jesus will touch in my life. It seems that I am forget how to worship Him and give thanks to Him. Looks like, my soul is far away from God and I do not have any idea to return it back. Or bring my spirit back. I always say it loud to myself saying. "No turning back, no turning back." But, realize or not. I am turning back. Looks like time being in the ministry and church is time of 'vacation' and 'holiday' for me. Am I?
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